Today I have spent $0, which is rare, very rare pour moi, but it is a decidedly good thing. Looking at this observation more closely, let's draw some conclusions. For me to have spent zero dollars (okay, I am partially lying here because I tipped my friend Maggie a buckaroo for making me an americano) today, it means that I have drank zero beers. Now wait a second I hear you scream! You could have just drank beers in your fridge that you bought on a previous day.
This statement is mentally retarded for a couple reasons. First of all, beer does not 'store' in my fridge. Beer gets cold in my fridge, and then promptly gets poured down my throat. Second, there is no second.
And yet, again, I am partially lying because there are beers in my fridge right now. My dear dear friend brought them for me (and him) to saviour, lugging them all the way from a far off land that has lots of mountains and trees and apparently lax liquour laws. So anyway, I don't drink these beers alone because they are like a precious flower that can only truely be appreciated in the company of another brewskie dork.
Moving along. Zero dollars spent, zero beers drank, (rarity), contemplation. Being sober on a day off just makes me reflective. And here's what I'm thinking about. I can't stay here, in Toronto (as much as I do, swear to God, actually like it), doing the same old shit. I hate serving, it's terrible, and making me lose faith in the greater good of humanity. I can't keep spending the majority of my week having hateful thoughts for complete strangers that I serve. I've considered different serving gigs, ones that don't involve working for a giant corporation, but I sense that the solution is greater than a mere change of scenery. I don't know if I'll ever be okay to stick around in one place, and for now at least almost all my thoughts seem to focus on leaving. The difficult things is, I don't want to leave for the sake of leaving. Conversely, I'm not the kind of person who needs a job or security waiting for me.
I love riding my bike for very long periods of time. This has been an important discovery for me. Most endurance activities make me weary, but cycling is entirely uplifting and gives you (me) mobility beyond the most immediate sense.
I love knitting and sewing little notebooks and turning small meticulous handcrafting hours into finished projects. I also like the seclusion of these activities, the long hours of thought.
I love beer. Not the fizzy yellow shit, but delicious, innovative, craft brews. I'm fascinated by the process of turning some grain and living yeasts into the most delectable beverage -- and want to learn everything there is to know about it.
I love the south, or the image I conjure in my head, where all my favourite authors were born and once lived. Reading is integral to my enjoyment of life and understanding of myself. I long to seek out the stomping grounds of all the writers I revere.
I love the Canadian coasts, I'm not picky about which ones, and recognize that be it nurture or nature, they are where I feel best. I briefly glimpsed the maritimes this summer, and I am nowhere near finished with them. I joke that ending up living there is my five year plan.
I love writing.
So I think, and I daydream, and I weigh the possibilities. Travel through American micro-breweries and write about all that I experience (drink)? Tour through the maritimes on my bike, camping in the most beautiful surroundings? Hole myself up in a remote coastal cabin homebrewing beers and writing short stories? Sell handknit toques online and get wasted? Southern US roadtrip complete with brewery tours? Write a book after?
Somehow, strangely, staying in Toronto and slinging pints to douchebags on the regular doesn't factor into my idea of happiness. Suffice to say my fuse is getting short and something big has to change soon -- hopefully I can decide which path to take.